Who Will Get The Second Chance?

                                                                                  by:      Ayala Leyser,  8/16/11

Again a case of infant abandonment, this time in the cold, under a tree, at birth. The mother is a refugee who felt shame to tell her family of her out of wed pregnancy, unaware of any support systems,  overwhelmed. Granted,  Ms. Sung needs help and deserves compassion.

Is it relevant though to the claims she makes?

Her prison term interrupted home visits with the foster parents. The baby does not recognize her anymore. Anyone who’s a bit familiar with child development realizes that a baby forms its strongest bond during the first year of life. The stability of parents presence in the young child life is  crucial for a normal healthy development.

 The boy’s foster parents advised her to give him up as this was in his best interest. She felt that they were robbing her son from her. Her family is calling to give her  “a second chance”.

The story on the front and inside page of the Chicago Tribune shows her in tears in prison. The story is about her, based on a translated interview with her. Are we missing something though?

Some years ago, working on a women’s ward at a psychiatric hospital, I would testify in court, in similar cases of custody. Lorna, for example (not her real name), abused a child already. During her incarceration she gave birth to a baby, who was placed in a foster home but maintained her parental rights. I have heard about parental rights on and on, but can’t ever recall citing the child’s legal rights.  The DCFS was familiar with Lorna’s history. I was familiar with her mental illness and immature personality.  She told me that she will never give her baby for adoption. That she wants to play with the baby like a doll.

The hearing took place when the baby was a few months old. DCFS requested the judge to deny the woman her parental rights so he can have a chance, get adopted and  be raised in a steady relationships  by mature loving parents.

They handed him Lorna’s  history of abusing a previous child, and her psychiatric diagnosis (schizophrenia ), which consisted of a serious impairment in reality testing and functioning. The report indicated that she was not able to take care of herself, let alone of a helpless child.

The judge scanned through the papers but seemed more interested in speaking to her. He asked her if she will let the child get adopted . No, he is mine” she replied, as the judge hurried to console her promising to not take the baby her away, but to postpone decision for next year’s hearing.  “Perhaps by then you will be better and able to take him home” he said. That compassion to the inapt mother meant depriving the baby from the chance he deserved  to bond with a permanent parent for the first critical year of his life.

Countless of custody cases are guided by the same mentality, only few, such as the famous Baby Richard fiasco come to the public attention.

The child is a commodity. The issue at hand focuses on parental rights to own this commodity.

The story in todays’ paper is likely to enlist a good deal of sympathy for Ms. Sung, who feels “robbed” by the suggestion to let go (even when that means that he will be better off raised by someone else). The question that should always weigh the scale is with whom is the baby likely to have the best life he deserves to have. It is who will give the abandoned baby the best second chance? Instead, a mentality of preference for parenting as ownership rather than as a responsibility focuses on the abandoning parent’s second chance.

Is Ms. Sung a victim of a sexist, chauvinistic culture?

Most likely. Yet, the child’s life is not meant to “fix” parents’ ills, to fill any voids, to make-up for parents’ mistakes, to fulfill their needs, or to be an instrument for any of their goals, fantasies and expectancies. The child’s life is for the child, and owned by him.

The child has no choice but to be born. He is not consulted in the least. Hence from the moment of conception, the parents must bear the full responsibility for his life and wellness, and always preparing for  independence and life skills so they can graciously let go.